And That's Okay

It's been a weird couple of months.  Lots of questioning and checking in with myself.  Turns out, turning inwards yields lots of growth.  Instead of constantly judging myself for every little fucking thing, I've simply stopped and asked myself why.  Why does this feel uncomfortable?  Or stressful?  

For months I've been "wanting" to get back into yoga, but every time I'd plan on going, I felt anxious about it.  I kept beating myself up for not going, telling myself I was lazy and not putting my health first.  Just go!  But I kept finding excuses.  Yesterday morning I took a 50 minute meditation and yoga class online and loved it.  I asked myself why this was so much better than going to a yoga class and the answer was suddenly so clear.  Because I'm embarrassed to be red in the face and out of shape in front of so many other skinny people.  Rather than sinking into the poses, I was always paranoid about how I might lose my balance or not be able to do a pose (which happened many times).  It's not about being competitive or looking like a failure...it's about fitting all the stereotypes of a fat person.  And that sucks.  If I was skinny and fell out of a pose, I seriously don't think I'd care.  But because I'm fat, I worry that everyone is thinking about how my size is preventing me from being strong or flexible or able.  Now, I know what you're probably thinking, "fuck em! If anyone thinks something shitty about you because of your body, then they suck anyway."  I agree.  But I'm not quite there yet and that's okay, too.  

My friends were having a get-together at their home last weekend and they invited me over.  I hesitated to say yes, but I've said no so many times for various reasons that I felt I had to say yes this time.  I mean, my schedule was definitely open.  A few days before the gathering, I started to feel really anxious about it.  Then I asked myself why.  Let's see...because I prefer one-on-one or really small group hangouts, because I don't know who the hell will be there, because I don't want to look the way I look in front of other people.  Yes, holy shit, I'm a bit of an introvert!  This is something that I'd never really understood about myself because when I'm with people that I'm comfortable with, I'm loud and energetic.  And when I was younger, I wanted to be with people ALL the time.  It was my constant desire, and now I'm starting to think it was just an escape, but I'll dig into that another time.  But if I really think about it, I have always preferred to be on a sofa in my pjs with my bestest of friends over going to the hippest bar to pick up boys.  Okay, so I'm somewhat of an introvert and I'm shy with new people.  Cool.  I can work with this.  And I don't like feeling fat in front of new people most likely because I'm afraid they'll judge me for my body before they get to know me.  Well, a lot of my closest friends met me after I was already fat.  And the other ones stood by my side after I gained the weight.  So, maybe people don't really care what my body looks like after all.  I went to the gathering, met a bunch of new people.  They were awesome.  I stepped out of my comfort zone and played the fishbowl game.  I thought I was going to do horrible and let my team down.  I actually did pretty great, said some funny things, made these strangers laugh.  I had a good time.  And I was also uncomfortable at times.  And I was so grateful to be home at the end of the night.  And that's okay. 

I've never felt this "okay" with myself.  Ever.  It's wild.  I'm constantly doing things wrong and imperfectly, and sometimes I still treat myself like shit, but also sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I just observe without judgement.  Sometimes I give myself a little heart hug and have empathy for myself and totally understand why things feel really tough.  Isn't that beautiful?