Let Go

 "Either I devote myself, all my will, the whole of my being to somehow trying to get the world outside to be the way that matches the garbage I've stored inside so I can have some moments of well-being or I use my will, and I mean all of it, every moment, to let go to these blockages." 

-Michael Singer (Living From A Place Of Surrender)

Dam

I'm feeling frustrated tonight and I cannot seem to find my words. My chest feels tight and I feel confident that it is clogged with emotions that I am holding on to. Energy needs to flow like a river, but I have managed to build a dam in my heart. What am I feeling? What is causing this disturbance? How will I ever set these feelings free? I am not one to hold back emotions or tears, but I know there's something heavy in my heart tonight that I cannot find access to. I'm taking deep breaths as I search for the answers. 

Maybe this feeling is what my therapist calls "lonely for self." Maybe this is the exact definition of my heart being separated from my mind. But how do I mend the two and how do I become reconnected to my self? Or maybe the real question is how did I become separate from my self? What are the things that could have caused me to separate from my self in the first place? Diet culture. Negative body image. The church's stance on anti-sexuality (unless straight and married). Unnatural and processed foods. Good Vibes Only. Toxic positivity. Not wanting to cause stress or trouble. I'm sure the list could go on and on. My body is desperate for me to listen to what she is telling me. I know my body is wise and holds many answers to life's deepest questions. How do I regain access to my body's wisdom? Let's start with the most obvious check-in...

Are you hungry? Slightly. Does tomato toast sound good for supper? Yes, really good, actually. How do you feel right now, physically? Well, my chest is still tight and my eyes are really heavy. I think breathing exercises and an early bedtime would be nourishing for me tonight. What else? Are you hot or cold? My hands, feet, and nose are cold, but I'm under a heated blanket that is keeping my legs nice and warm. Okay, that's enough for now. Let's build up your resources tonight and we will dig a little deeper tomorrow. 

Well, that was a nice little therapy sesh with myself. This entry is not well-written and certainly not well thought out, but it is interesting to work through a problem in real time. 

38

Today is my birthday and I'm baffled that I have officially been alive for thirty-eight years. Thirty-eight seems so old.  It's not that I wish I had the body of a 23 year-old or had the skin of a 28 year-old (I mean...of course I do), but I just see the writing on the wall. I'm quickly becoming a middle-aged woman and I'm not married, haven't had children, and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I feel completely lost in a way. But also found. I know my heart, I enjoy my own company, and I quite like my simple life. I also know there's something else out there for me. But what? 

My dear friend and spiritual counselor has encouraged me, once again, to write. I honestly have no clue what to say, but I'm hoping that by pausing daily to write a few words, I'll begin to open up a part of myself that has been closed off for so long. I've said many a time, "I feel like I don't know who I am" to my girlfriends and they truly don't understand what I'm saying. I said it to my spiritual counselor this past Sunday and she replied with "That's exactly right, Kristen. Your specific intention in this lifetime is to reconnect your heart to your knowing." The good news is that my intuition still works...the bad news is that I'll likely be stuck in existential dread asking myself "who am I" for a very long time. My hope is that as I work to conjure up words for this little online journal, I'll also find connections between my heart and my knowing along the way. 

It's already past my bedtime, but I'd like to end tonight's entry with gratitude. I have the best friends and family and they love me so much. I was showered with gifts and well-wishes today - my desk surrounded by bouquets of flowers, doughnuts, and cookies. I had more texts and voicemails than I could keep up with (not really, but you know what I mean). I did not feel deserving of their love. And then I reminded myself to let love in anyway.