38

Today is my birthday and I'm baffled that I have officially been alive for thirty-eight years. Thirty-eight seems so old.  It's not that I wish I had the body of a 23 year-old or had the skin of a 28 year-old (I mean...of course I do), but I just see the writing on the wall. I'm quickly becoming a middle-aged woman and I'm not married, haven't had children, and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I feel completely lost in a way. But also found. I know my heart, I enjoy my own company, and I quite like my simple life. I also know there's something else out there for me. But what? 

My dear friend and spiritual counselor has encouraged me, once again, to write. I honestly have no clue what to say, but I'm hoping that by pausing daily to write a few words, I'll begin to open up a part of myself that has been closed off for so long. I've said many a time, "I feel like I don't know who I am" to my girlfriends and they truly don't understand what I'm saying. I said it to my spiritual counselor this past Sunday and she replied with "That's exactly right, Kristen. Your specific intention in this lifetime is to reconnect your heart to your knowing." The good news is that my intuition still works...the bad news is that I'll likely be stuck in existential dread asking myself "who am I" for a very long time. My hope is that as I work to conjure up words for this little online journal, I'll also find connections between my heart and my knowing along the way. 

It's already past my bedtime, but I'd like to end tonight's entry with gratitude. I have the best friends and family and they love me so much. I was showered with gifts and well-wishes today - my desk surrounded by bouquets of flowers, doughnuts, and cookies. I had more texts and voicemails than I could keep up with (not really, but you know what I mean). I did not feel deserving of their love. And then I reminded myself to let love in anyway.