Dam

I'm feeling frustrated tonight and I cannot seem to find my words. My chest feels tight and I feel confident that it is clogged with emotions that I am holding on to. Energy needs to flow like a river, but I have managed to build a dam in my heart. What am I feeling? What is causing this disturbance? How will I ever set these feelings free? I am not one to hold back emotions or tears, but I know there's something heavy in my heart tonight that I cannot find access to. I'm taking deep breaths as I search for the answers. 

Maybe this feeling is what my therapist calls "lonely for self." Maybe this is the exact definition of my heart being separated from my mind. But how do I mend the two and how do I become reconnected to my self? Or maybe the real question is how did I become separate from my self? What are the things that could have caused me to separate from my self in the first place? Diet culture. Negative body image. The church's stance on anti-sexuality (unless straight and married). Unnatural and processed foods. Good Vibes Only. Toxic positivity. Not wanting to cause stress or trouble. I'm sure the list could go on and on. My body is desperate for me to listen to what she is telling me. I know my body is wise and holds many answers to life's deepest questions. How do I regain access to my body's wisdom? Let's start with the most obvious check-in...

Are you hungry? Slightly. Does tomato toast sound good for supper? Yes, really good, actually. How do you feel right now, physically? Well, my chest is still tight and my eyes are really heavy. I think breathing exercises and an early bedtime would be nourishing for me tonight. What else? Are you hot or cold? My hands, feet, and nose are cold, but I'm under a heated blanket that is keeping my legs nice and warm. Okay, that's enough for now. Let's build up your resources tonight and we will dig a little deeper tomorrow. 

Well, that was a nice little therapy sesh with myself. This entry is not well-written and certainly not well thought out, but it is interesting to work through a problem in real time.