Black Magic

Right around the time I discovered that society had brainwashed all of us into believing that we had to look or act a certain way to be right in the world, I also came across this woman online who said she helps women learn to accept themselves just as they are.  So, naturally, I signed up for a consultation.  We spoke on the phone for one hour and forty-five minutes and she told me all the right things.  She understands where I'm at because a decade ago, she was feeling the same way, too.  We are each born with unique gifts and we are enough just as we are.  We don't need to diet, we just need to heal our relationships with food.  I told her my insecurities around weight and self-acceptance.  I cried.  That was embarrassing, since we'd only just met.  She met me with kindness and grace.  And then asked me if I really wanted change.  I mean really, really wanted change.  I swore yes - more than anything else in the world, I wanted to have a healthy relationship with my body.  She said she can help me, and she can do that at her discounted rate of $5,000.

Wait, what?  I froze.  Then told her that that was more than a tenth of my annual salary (I work in education).  She told me yes, this work takes resourcefulness.  I sat in a stupor for the rest of the night.  I drank two large glasses of wine and took a hot bath.  If she has the magic answer for me, then surely I can come up with the money.  My happiness is worth every penny.

But the more I sat with it, the more I realized that maybe I don't need her.  I mean, I got here on my own, right?  When I was ready for the message, the message came through!  These lessons that I'm now learning are nothing new for many people - and now that the veil has been lifted, I see sayings and pictures and shows and posts and interviews everywhere that represent my feelings exactly - but it's new for me.  And before I was ready to truly hear the message, body positivity was just a hope for someday in the far off future.  For the day that, you know, I was skinny again.

Maybe I'm a fool for passing up this unique opportunity.  Maybe I'm a fool for even taking the call to begin with.  I may never know.  However, I cannot help but think that there's got to be a way for me to find happiness without paying someone five grand.  I mean, I've been investing in magical cures to erase my fatness for decades now.  The magic pills, magic diets, magic cleanses, magic exercise plans - they never worked for me.  For once, I'm going to trust my gut and believe this magical method isn't the answer for me either.

Perfectly Human

Nobody is reading this right?  That's what I thought.  Which is the only reason I'm brave enough to post this journal to a "public" forum.

Anyway, I'm writing to say that I've recently learned something new.  At the ripe old age of thirty-five, I just learned that I am actually not that bad after all.  That although I am flawed - absolutely! - I am perfectly human.  And my humanness is nothing to be ashamed of.  I have spent close to three decades picking myself apart and telling myself I'm not good enough.  I have tried my best to modify almost every natural thing about my mind, body, and spirit.  And I've had enough.

I suddenly came upon this realization because in one week's time, I heard profound insight from people like Sam Smith, Aidy Bryant, and Jameela Jamil through various outlets.  Their stories awakened me to the reality of my fate:  I can either learn to love myself just as I am, or I can be at war with myself for the rest of my days.  And I choose love.  Or at least, I'm going to try.

I've been steadily gaining weight since I was seventeen years old.  And I have literally hated every second of it.  I keep thinking "when I lose the weight, then I'll be happy."  But is that even true?  Will I be happy?  Because when I was a size two, I wasn't happy with my body.  I hated the cellulite on the back of my thighs, the stretch marks on my hips, and the plumpness of my forearms (I know, right?!).  I also hated my frizzy hair and elongated nose.  Even if I manage to lose every ounce of fat that I have gained since being a teenager, what makes me think I'll like my body then?  I will still have cellulite and a hell of a lot more stretch marks.  Plus, now I'm close to twenty years older...so are my veins, wrinkles, and skin.  I have also picked apart my personality since I was a child.  I'm too loud.  I say ditzy things.  I get too heated.  I'm too emotional.  I'm not rich enough or smart enough or creative enough.

For most of my life I have taken a heavily beaten path, the one paved by society, the one that tells me I'm not enough.  But I recently spotted another route, one a bit less traveled.  A route of self discovery, self acceptance, and dare I say, self love.  It's not going to be easy, and most days, I will feel lost in the middle of nowhere.  But I have faith that my inner compass will point me in the right direction.  And if you've somehow stumbled upon this page, I'm more than happy to take you along with me.