Perfectly Human

Nobody is reading this right?  That's what I thought.  Which is the only reason I'm brave enough to post this journal to a "public" forum.

Anyway, I'm writing to say that I've recently learned something new.  At the ripe old age of thirty-five, I just learned that I am actually not that bad after all.  That although I am flawed - absolutely! - I am perfectly human.  And my humanness is nothing to be ashamed of.  I have spent close to three decades picking myself apart and telling myself I'm not good enough.  I have tried my best to modify almost every natural thing about my mind, body, and spirit.  And I've had enough.

I suddenly came upon this realization because in one week's time, I heard profound insight from people like Sam Smith, Aidy Bryant, and Jameela Jamil through various outlets.  Their stories awakened me to the reality of my fate:  I can either learn to love myself just as I am, or I can be at war with myself for the rest of my days.  And I choose love.  Or at least, I'm going to try.

I've been steadily gaining weight since I was seventeen years old.  And I have literally hated every second of it.  I keep thinking "when I lose the weight, then I'll be happy."  But is that even true?  Will I be happy?  Because when I was a size two, I wasn't happy with my body.  I hated the cellulite on the back of my thighs, the stretch marks on my hips, and the plumpness of my forearms (I know, right?!).  I also hated my frizzy hair and elongated nose.  Even if I manage to lose every ounce of fat that I have gained since being a teenager, what makes me think I'll like my body then?  I will still have cellulite and a hell of a lot more stretch marks.  Plus, now I'm close to twenty years older...so are my veins, wrinkles, and skin.  I have also picked apart my personality since I was a child.  I'm too loud.  I say ditzy things.  I get too heated.  I'm too emotional.  I'm not rich enough or smart enough or creative enough.

For most of my life I have taken a heavily beaten path, the one paved by society, the one that tells me I'm not enough.  But I recently spotted another route, one a bit less traveled.  A route of self discovery, self acceptance, and dare I say, self love.  It's not going to be easy, and most days, I will feel lost in the middle of nowhere.  But I have faith that my inner compass will point me in the right direction.  And if you've somehow stumbled upon this page, I'm more than happy to take you along with me.